My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Yup
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species