*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary