My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Yes
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*