My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”