No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
2022 will be better than 2021
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?