My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for