if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?