I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo