“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
man: wait
time: no
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
u guys got any snacks onboard here