Probably my best painting.
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You wish you had this many chins.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?