Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Facebook marketplace is a different world
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”