This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.