Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…