Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
😬
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*