#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.