Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
mom had nothing to worry about
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.