I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches