If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)