Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”