Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
You Might Also Like
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
The Backseat Boys
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many