Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Kids: Stay in school.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I need this for my side hustle.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
house sitting!
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.