My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?