Netflix and you sit over there.
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Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
🙅🏻
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
✌🏽
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Who says great literature is dead?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Waiting for the Charmin
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas