Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones