Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
You Might Also Like
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again