“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.