god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
sir, my pâté if you please
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.