“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Who.
Did.
This?