[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Bit chilly again tonight.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink