5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
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people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ACED my prostate exam!
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope