Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.