haha same
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Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”