That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Interior design 👌
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.