me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
listen closely
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*