fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?