[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Never let them know your next move 😂
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.