i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
HOW DARE YOU
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.