my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
You Might Also Like
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’d love this…lol
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Hero horse inspires millions
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!