(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
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As the Lord intended
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
first you must answer his riddles
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
jesus christ confetti not now
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.