A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops