[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.