I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.