My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here