My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Rambo Rambow
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
three things we don’t talk about
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
My work here is don’t.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.