So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Introverted vegans go meetless
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts