What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”