THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”