Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.