Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Before & after 😅
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.