I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
DOOO EEEET
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I put the mess in domestic.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.